by Laura Weaver
My friend asked me if I would be interested in writing a stalking story to share with the Circle. I said, “Sure, I’d be glad to! No problem! When do you need it?” I insisted that she give me a due date because I felt a stirring inside, a whispering voice that told me I would not get this done without a deadline.
She said, “How about by the end of April?” I said, “Yes! No Problem!” I promptly put it out of my mind. I thought, “I have plenty of time. This is something I want to do. No problem!”
Time went by. Every weekend I thought, I will get that story written this weekend, and every weekend I just was not able to get to it. I had to work. I was having company. I had plans to do anything else or, my very favorite, I didn’t feel well.
Finally, after a couple of gentle reminders from my friend, it was April 29th. I had one day now to write the story. Problem! I panicked! What am I going to write about? I stalk literally everything (I told myself).
And then it came to me. I didn’t write this story because my Judge didn’t want me to write it. I began to stalk this and realized this was the perfect stalking story for me. When do I commit to something and then don’t follow through? How many places do I do this? Generally, I only break commitments that I have made to myself. This time, however, I was seriously close to breaking a commitment to someone I care about.
As I began to stalk this, my Judge began whispering to me that I was just lazy and inconsiderate, unreliable. My Judge started gathering steam as it told me “This is why you are alone! Nobody loves lazy, inconsiderate people who lie to their friends about what they intend to do!”
It was at this time that I gave my Judge a chair. I became him (in this case, it was male). He said, “I don’t want to do this. It’s just that simple. I don’t want to. I have no interest in helping you and even less interest in helping others. I do only what I want to do.”
I began to just feel this in my body. I felt very powerful and strong. I felt righteous. I didn’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone.
The longer I stayed in this energy, the better I felt, like a wolf.
The wolf feels no blame or guilt. The wolf doesn’t worry what others think of him. I decided to write my story from this energy, and I realized that my Judge no longer had a problem with it. What? Did I just wake up to something (that I thought I had already woken up to)?
By stalking my Judge, I was able to follow its energy, become one with it and own the energy! The energy no longer felt malevolent. It just felt like mine. This energy was mine to use as I saw fit.
I am sitting at my desk at work writing this story on my lunch break. The words just came to me. I didn’t have to struggle. I didn’t have to construct an outline and then agonize over every word. Here it is! My stalking story. This has been a great experience for me. I feel awake and aware and right now.